3:45:31
Monday
March 10, 2025
I'm sitting here on my desk that's messy like it's never been, trying to find a bit of peace amid an emotional storm. This is my first entry.
Your letters and photos are scattered all over my desk at the moment.
Yesterday, I suffered an episode of severe hypotension, Eri. Fueled by my bleak mood lately and anger, I went to the gym with David in the late afternoon, on an empty stomach, having eaten one meal in the past 36 hours. I did 23 reps of 200 pounds on the leg press (my previous max is 4 reps on 225 lbs). I got up and the adrenaline and the tears welling up in my eyes disappeared. I wandered slowly to the restroom, then everything started turning bright and my hearing was gone. It was the same sensation as when I went blacked out during ice skating. I leaned against the wall drooped over for 2 minutes, vision gone, struggling to tell my brain to "breath", couldn't hear. Then some staff found me and held me upright and called for emergency services. I vomited all over the floor outside the bathroom. Ambulance and emergency services were called. When they arrived, they took my blood pressure, 100/58. I'd dropped from 170/80 during exercise to 100/58 within 1 and a half minutes.
Eri, during those two minutes when I struggled to keep my body alive, my happiest thoughts started playing. Eri, all I could think of was your embrace again. I held onto to the thought of you to stay alive, and although it really wasn't as dramatic as it sounds, I bursted into tears right after I regained vision and saw the two EMS workers holding onto me.
They treated me with sugar and salt solutions to raise my blood pressure again after I gained consciousness and asked if I was on any drugs. David was by my side the whole time during this hour. I refused to be taken to the hospital and rested for the rest of the day with David. We got dinner after, where I spontaneously started bawling again. He then asked if I wanted to play piano with him. We ended up spending about 9 hours total together yesterday.
Ah, to have friends that are there for you like this during times of emotional distress. I'm so incredibly grateful.
I fail to keep my thoughts together at the moment. So many unsaid words that would relieve me but I can't find them right now. This website is the result of me attempting to channel my frustration and sadness into something a little more beautiful. I can no longer bear to sit on my bed in the dark thinking of what I did to deserve this. I don't deserve this -- no one does. I can no longer bear to conjure a million reasons to despise you more, nor replay my nightmares again and again the moment I wake up, reminding myself that I no longer carry this burden to care. But I do, and I hate it. I'm walking and suddenly I'm back in November when I didn't think too much about why my girlfriend traveled many miles to meet with a subhuman monster whom she claimed to have no feelings for, yet, she had feelings for him years ago, yet, her face is slathered with makeup, more makeup that she's ever shown to her own boyfriend; then I ask, who is she trying to look pretty for? Makeup, hm? Then I think Halloween, when she slathered her face with even more makeup while dressed revealingly on a night attempting to enter parties where, even with the purest intentions, everyone around you doesn't; then I ask, would I want my daughter to behave like this?
My heart drops to my stomach and suddenly I get that horrible gut-wrenching feeling. Then I'm frustrated, pillow-punching, silent-screaming frustrated. Frustrated that the trust between me and someone I love is so beyond repairable that I'll never know the truth. Frustrated that I used to trust her so much that I tolerated this behavior because I told myself that she's fiercely loyal to me and loves me enough to not hurt me.
What did I do to deserve this, Eri? You love me, but was it not strong enough for you to care about me? Why do you think it's okay to act on your instinct then apologize after if you realize it's wrong later? I loved you enough to completely burn bridges with a genuine friend I met in college because I care for your feelings more than anything else. What did I do to not deserve the same care I had for you?
I'm hurt that our first kiss happened while you were thinking about and crying over your ex-boyfriend.
I'm hurt knowing that you are capable of living many years of lies to deceive someone that you didn't even love.
I'm hurt knowing that you are capable of moving on from someone you supposedly "loved".
I'm hurt that you switch from "I was going to marry him" to "I never loved him" in a matter of hours, knowing that you're capable of lying to yourself and others about your feelings.
I'm hurt that you disrespected and mistreated your last "boyfriend" so horribly, and now you're doing the same to me.
I'm hurt that you tell me that you're over your ex-boyfriend but still talked about him with vigor and excitement 3 months into our relationship.
I'm hurt that it took six months for you to realize that all I wanted was to make new memories with you, but so many times, you bring me to places you've been to with someone else before.
I'm hurt that you say things to me and try to solve our problems like you did with your failed relationship.
I'm hurt that you went on a date with a guy (regardless of his sexuality) during the first weeks of our relationship and didn't care enough to tell me beforehand.
I'm hurt that you promised to cut this guy off during August and haven't had enough integrity to do it until February.
I'm hurt that you took this guy's words and inflicted it on me, calling me insecure, even though my insecurities were backed with evidence and all turned out true.
I'm hurt that you took my trust for you for granted, that I felt confident that nothing would be hidden from me and you'd be transparent while I respected your privacy when you had friends that were male.
I'm hurt that you didn't respect me enough for you to stay away from someone who found your missing sock and talked to you in a flirty manner.
I'm hurt that you went out and dressed revealingly with makeup on Halloween.
I'm hurt that you spent that Halloween with two guys which I now know you've deleted your conversations with.
I'm hurt that you ignored me when I explicitly told you how uncomfortable dressing revealingly is to me as your boyfriend. I'm all for letting my girlfriend feel as confident as she wishes in her dressing choices, I become extremely uncomfortable when she puts on excessive makeup and wears revealing clothing (anything unnecessarily tight-fitting, revealing skin beyond what a normal t-shirt reveals, revealing skin beyond what normal shorts reveal).
I'm hurt that you know when clothing is "scandalous" to me but still choose to wear it anyway.
I'm hurt that you proceeded to dress yourself in a manner which you felt guilty telling you boyfriend about, knowing that the outfit and makeup is something that'd provoke me to call someone like that a "whore", disrespecting yourself and me at the same time.
I'm hurt that you continued letting sock-person into your room, something you know I am uncomfortable with.
I'm hurt that you let sock-person into your room on your birthday during our call and entertained him instead of talking to me.
I'm hurt that you regularly and continuously let sock-person into your room up until the final weeks of our relationship.
I'm hurt that you chose to forgive a subhuman monster that said they'd rape you because I wish you love you as much as I love you.
I'm hurt that you kept in contact with the subhuman monster throughout our relationship and hid it from me.
I'm hurt that you dedicated a weekend to meet with the subhuman monster and his subhuman friends.
I'm hurt that you spend alone time with the subhuman monster, let alone not telling me.
I'm hurt that you hid the fact that you and the subhuman monster were in the same bathroom alone together.
I'm hurt that you hid the fact that you and the subhuman monster were in the same bedroom together.
I'm hurt that you think that "having no feelings" for the subhuman monster means it's okay to be in the same bathroom as him alone.
I'm hurt that you still haven't told me everything that happened that night.
I'm hurt that you attempted to attend a party with this subhuman monster and his subhuman friends.
I'm hurt that you hid all of this from me until I confronted you.
I'm hurt that you deleted things you knew would hurt your boyfriend instead of owning up to your mistakes and telling him.
I'm hurt because I know the lack of evidence is evidence in and of itself.
I'm hurt that your history of entertaining men you know would hurt your boyfriend lines up with your current actions, as much as I hate to bring up your past.
I'm hurt that you suddenly use gender-neutral pronouns when you hung out with people you know would make me uncomfortable.
I'm hurt that I know you've hung out with many people that make me very uncomfortable many times even though you hide it from me.
I'm hurt that you know what hurts me but still choose to do it anyway.
I'm hurt that you act irresponsibly with no thought and care for your boyfriend then attempt to apologize after to fix it instead of not acting irresponsibly in the first place.
I'm hurt that I don't have your full attention when I'm talking or calling with you.
I'm hurt that your attention went to communicating with and entertaining another guy while on call with me.
I'm hurt that you posed a hypothetical romantic relationship with such guy when attempting to explain your point of view of Andrea and I's dynamic.
I'm hurt that you were hurt for so long about my friendship with Andrea and dismissed it when I tried to ask you how we can solve this together, sacrificing your own happiness for me.
I'm hurt that you were never direct with your boundaries with Andrea and I until I brought up suggestions, even though these are your feelings and we were supposed to resolve them as a team.
I'm hurt that you talk fondly about other guys while being in a relationship with me.
I'm hurt that you knew your previous living situation (where you and another male would live together) would make me uncomfortable, but didn't ask me about my feelings until I brought it up.
I'm hurt that you brought up a random guy to compare me to when I mentioned a pair of shoes.
I'm hurt that you were hurt about me not loving you fully, though my reasons and suspicions for not loving you fully all turned out to be true.
I'm hurt that you stayed after class to spend time with another guy.
I'm hurt that you were so close to this guy that you knew his girlfriend and his Spotify and personal life but chose to deny that to me because you knew it would make me uncomfortable and chose to continue anyway.
I'm hurt that you didn't care about my feelings more than anything else as I had for you.
I'm hurt that you cheated on me.
I'm hurt that you somehow still don't believe that, hiding and deleting calls and messages between you and 5-6 males, lying and denying that you spent one-on-one time with the subhuman monster who previously sexualized you, is cheating.
I'm hurt that I witnessed your face of pure panic and fear and denial when we checked your deleted messages.
I'm hurt that you deleted those messages right in front of my face.
I'm hurt that you used an excuse as contacting males "only for academic purposes" then proceeded to use your own loophole maliciously by begging sock guy to "tutor" you one-on-one.
I'm hurt that you borderline flirted with this guy, and you knew it too. You knew it because you scrolled much faster and tried to cover your messages with my video during the call.
I'm hurt that more inappropriate messaging and borderline flirting happened behind my back, messages that have already been deleted.
I'm hurt that you're denying and twisting and justifying the grey areas of this while reading this instead of owning up to it.
I'm hurt that you lied straight to my face over a hundred times that day.
I'm hurt that I had to tell you and show you that I had evidence of the truth before you told me the real truth.
I'm hurt that you tried to gaslight me into thinking that I'm crazy or that "this didn't happen" "that didn't happen" when both you and I know the truth.
I'm hurt that you believed that testing my limits by going as far as possible to stretch the definition of cheating is acceptable in a relationship.
I'm hurt that I had broke my own promise to never be this type of boyfriend to have to check his girlfriend's messages and following and social media contacts.
I'm hurt that you knew that you cheated, because you were willing to go all the way to deleting those people from social media.
I'm hurt that you're not honest with yourself and me about "blocking" people and "deleting their number", knowing that you still have the entire chat and ability to contact them even if you "unfollowed" them.
I'm hurt that you did all those things on that Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday calls to appease me because you were so desperate, and I know because you've unblocked many of those people and contacted them as soon as I left you.
I'm hurt because I saw your sudden and unexplained happiness and knew immediately it was because you now have the freedom to talk to other guys again.
I'm hurt that you immediately came back in (direct or indirect) contact with Greek-mythology person, because there's no explainable reason for him to have blocked me conveniently at this time, yet, you still chose to deny it. I don't have enough evidence yet, so if I am indeed wrong, I sincerely apologize.
I'm hurt that I know you too well, well enough that I can tell immediately when you suddenly become happy and energetic and excited and it's not because of me, but because you've been talking to someone else and feel guilty about it after.
I'm hurt knowing that as soon as you have the security of me staying with you again, you'll revert back to your irresponsible behavior that continues hurts me.
I'm hurt that you've yet to own up to your mistakes, that even though all I've typed here is true, you'll try to explain and justify and deny and hide.
I'm hurt that it took you seeing the relationship hang on by its last thread to make real and genuine change and not hurt me anymore and live honestly for yourself.
I'm hurt that I'm still here attempting to justify your behavior to myself, thinking to myself that "this was a misunderstanding" or "this was for the greater good", even though I swore to you and myself that I don't tolerate cheating of any degree.
I'm hurt because I chose to date a cheater and the cheater cheated on me, like going to a candy store and gaslighting myself into thinking that there won't be candy inside.
I'm hurt because I knew better and yet I gave it a chance, predicting this exact outcome exactly 7 months ago from today, and now living though it and enduring the pain.
I'm hurt because I'm still here, waiting for you to take accountability for your actions so this pain ends.
I'm hurt because I swore not to let history repeat itself because I know better than to take a million breaks over the course of 2 years with you because of your deep-rooted issues you refuse to resolve.
I'm hurt because I love you.
I sit pathetically in my chair leaned back with rach 2 playing in my earbuds while going through each of your letters and polaroids of us sobbing my eyes out like I'm crying for the first time in my life.
I wish I can live the illusion that is the first six months of our relationship, but without the cheating, for the rest of my life. It was amazing. You're like a burst of sunshine and flowers for me. Your energy fills my heart like nothing else can. The Eri I lived with for those 3 weeks is what I'd want and expect from my future wife and forever companion. I'm most hurt because I know you love me enough and have the ability to truly change for the better, but you realized too late. It costed us the entire relationship for you to realize. It costed the person you loved the most (well, according to your words, anyway).
When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want that to start as soon as possible...
I wish there was an easy way out of this, but there isn't. I sometimes wish you just murdered my family or something so the only thing I feel for you is hatred...but this is not the case. I had a glimpse of my future wife in those three weeks, and I'm overwhelmed.
I realize in this week apart from you that no amount of time where we aren't working together would ever resolve my hurts. It's going to take work from the both of us--compromises, reassurances, mutual understanding, 10/90 one day and 90/10 the other to fight for that 100/100 again, dedication to genuine change, mutual affirmations, taking accountability, and everything in between to resolve issues that would otherwise be make for a relationship where we can see each other as future husband and wife.
I want to start spending time with my future wife as soon as possible. I await your reply to my letter and will fully respect either decision you make.
Don